Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
bring money and cleavage
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
