I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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