How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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