if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
