Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
