Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
