It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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