I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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