Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
