get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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