I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
