i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
