I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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