Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
