Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
