sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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