My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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