dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
