I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
