I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
