Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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