It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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