i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
