I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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