I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
