I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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