Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
