The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
