Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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