I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
