Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
