I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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