eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
