It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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