I seem to have left my pride at pride
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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