The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
