I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
