Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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