Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
