is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
