Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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