How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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