My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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