he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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