i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
