you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
