The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
