I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
