from now on my penis is your penis
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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