I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
